Darkness Falling
by Spirit Of Euphoria
Summary: Dark, lonely nights lead to meaningful contemplation. Severus Snape reflects upon life and his love for Cicely.


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A/N: Severus Snape's point of view on life. I wrote this intending it to be before my fic "Amor Vincit Omnia" but decided to write it as though Severus was thinking halfway through it. So, read my other fic beside this one, and it will all make sense! Don't forget to review :o)

Darkness Falling

By Spirit of Euphoria

A shard of moonlight stabs through the darkness, casting heavy shadows on the walls. I wish it weren't there. I'd sooner be alone. The moonlight intrudes upon my darkened soul where it has no right to be. I have no real purpose. I merely live to intimidate students. Not exactly worthy of the Order Of Merlin, is it?

I don't think I've ever been loved. And I doubt I ever will. Not now they all know about my dark past. Severus Snape, the Death Eater. One of Voldemort's elite followers. Accused of Muggle torture, even murder…

But that is not me. I swear I never murdered. It is not in my nature to do that. But I know what Potter and his sidekicks think of me. Severus Snape, perfect Slytherin, knows too much about the Dark Arts for his own good.

Of course I regret my decision now. How can I not? Voldemort seduced me, just like he did with many others. He told me that there is no good, there is no evil…just power, and those too weak to seek it.

Besides, nobody else wanted me. Voldemort has a way of charming people…the perfect Slytherin. Cunning and sly…that seems about right. He made me feel as though I was wanted, as though I was important…

Believe me when I say I regret it now. I regret ever letting Lucius Malfoy persuade me. He was the one who took me to the Dark Lord. He told Voldemort that I would be his willing servant, that I would swear eternal loyalty to him. 

I never trusted Lucius again when the harsh reality of the Death Eaters struck me. He used me, abused my good nature. He used me as a mere pawn in the ridiculous power games that he was playing. And I was too naïve, too innocent, to recognise it.

I will never forget the times when Lucius threatened me. He bullied me…and when I told him I wasn't his cat's paw, he would subdue me under the Imperius Curse so he could have complete control over me. And when I managed to fight it off…

_"Crucio."_

Pain. Pain, as I had never experienced. Knives stabbing viciously at me, white-hot flames consuming my body. Eyes rolling madly, praying for release, almost begging for death…

I would stagger to my feet, breath coming in ragged gasps. Lucius would smile cruelly and casually slip his wand back into his robes as if he had performed nothing more than a Disarming Charm.

Nobody at school knew exactly what I endured at Lucius' hand. First rule of Slytherin House; never betray a Serpent. Remain loyal to your fellow Slytherins. 

So nobody knew. Well, one person did. And it was so delightfully convenient; nobody ever suspected my friendship with her, for she was a Gryffindor Muggle-born. And because everybody knew of my alliance with Lucius and his sycophants, they never suspected anything of my friendship with Lily Evans.

It began in my fourth year. I'd never really cared to speak to the Gryffindors, simply because of that annoying foursome; Pettigrew, Black, Lupin, and Potter. I loathed them the minute they stepped off the train in my first year. And the feeling was mutual; they rejoiced in making my life hell. I suppose my alliance with Lucius was useful in a way; he made sure they kept their distance.

Lucius and I had not been on good terms for some time. He wanted a book from me, and I was the only one who could obtain it for him. It was at times like this that I was thankful for my father's interest in the Dark Arts; the study at home was filled with Dark Arts books from floor to ceiling.

But I couldn't get the book for Lucius. And so, he punished me in the way he loved most. 

Pain. Again.

And then, Lily found me. She sat me down like a mother would her child and comforted me, smoothing my hair and listening to me. 

And after that, our friendship blossomed. _She _didn't care that I was a Slytherin, and she a Gryffindor. Houses meant nothing to us.

Nothing went on between us, though. Admittedly, she was beautiful, but our relationship was nothing but platonic. She was content with the situation, as was I. 

People began to assume that Lily and I were having a relationship, because of my hatred for James Potter. Soon, the rumours began to spread like wildfire, and everybody just assumed that I was the jealous lover, beaten to it by James Potter. And that's why I despised him so much. Not because he stole Lily, because he didn't. Lily and I remained friends until the day she died, and that was all it ever was. James could never hope to split our friendship up; Lily was too much of a free spirit for that. 

Lily's death came as a shock to me. I received news through that little worm, Pettigrew. He came to me, filled with glee at what he had done. It was probably the happiest day in his miserable little life. I never did understand how he could do it.

I knew nothing of his plans, either. Believe me, if I had known, I would have done something about it. Much as I despised James Potter, his death would have torn Lily to pieces. I couldn't have seen that happen to her.

Perhaps death would be some sort of solace to me. I've thought seriously about it. I have a potion that when drunk, would kill within seconds. No pain, no suffering…just freedom. I could be with Lily again, in death…

But I'm too cowardly to do that. Anyway, death is an escape, and I'm going to suffer for what happened to Lily. I don't deserve to be happy. And I certainly don't deserve a second chance in love. I won't be the ruin of Cicely. 

Believe me, I want nothing more in this world than to be with Cicely. Night after night I dream of her…it's driving me insane. And yet…it felt so unnatural to hear those fateful words from her lips.

_I love you._

How can she love me? She was always the dutiful little Gryffindor…never in a million years did I think she could possibly harbour feelings other than animosity for me. I sometimes regret the harsh words with which I addressed her in her younger years…it seems things have come full circle. 

She cried over me. I felt so awful, so…cruel. To see those beautiful eyes filled with bitter tears of hurt almost tore me up. But it's for the best, in the long run…my days are numbered. I awake each morning, wondering if it will be the last time I do so. Voldemort has me on a string…he knows he can snuff my life out like a candle. 

And where would that leave Cicely? Left alone and miserable by my own selfish desires. I don't want that to happen to her. I don't want her to become attached to me. 

And that's why I'll stay alone forever.

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A/N: A bit dark I know, but I feel it explains a lot of what happens in "Amor Vincit Omnia" but you'll have to read that one to find out!


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